United States of America: ARMED FORCES DRAFT REGISTRATION

ATTENTION ALL AMERICAN
MEN & WOMEN AGED 16-45:

Pursuant to Sub-Section 8, Paragraph C of Executive Branch Classified Directive #13334-P, dated 1 May 2004, the Armed Forces of the United States stand directed by President George W. Bush to accelerate preparations for compulsory induction of the adult non-homosexual population into active combat duty in the War Against Terror.

Henceforth, and in accordance with established Federal conscriptional provisions, all male and female citizens aged 16-45 must register for the impending draft. Each registrant's personal information will undergo rigorous computer analysis to compile a profile of overall physical, mental, and moral fitness prior to the issuing of orders to report for basic training.

WARNING: Persons failing to register prior to the impending invasions of Iran and North Korea will be classified as deserters and become subject to the penalties prescribed therefore by the Rules and Articles of War, up to and including incarceration for a period not to exceed fifteen (15) calendar years and fines up to $125,000.00.

CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR? You must apply to schedule a formal appeal to your local draft board.
PERSONAL INFORMATION:
First Name: Last Name:
Gender:    Direct Offspring of G.O.P. Ranger-Level Contributor
Born: Born Again:
Address:
City: State: ZIP:
Race: American Black Brown (all flavors) Red Yellow Jewish
Class: Upper-Upper    Upper    Upper-Middle    Middle    Trash
Education:
Secondary Undergraduate Post-Graduate
PHYSICAL FITNESS PRE-SCREENING:
Please indicate any and all maladies from which you currently or have ever suffered:
Coughing Sneezing Wheezing Aches Pains
Fatigue Restlessness Hangnail(s) Night Sweats Chills
Upset Stomach Dizziness Cotton Mouth Blurry Vision Acne
Halitosis Tequila Reflux Goiter Constipation Diarrhea
Yeast Infection Corns/Bunions Anal Cyst(s) Heart Murmur Chancre(s)
Queer Plague Gingivitis Lazy Eye The Clap Big Mac Ass
Incontinence Wet Dreams Hunchback Amputation(s) Stigmata
MENTAL FITNESS PRE-SCREENING:
Please indicate any and all psychological deficiencies from which you currently or have ever suffered:
Intellectualism Pacifism Liberalism Altruism Humanitarianism
Internationalism Idealism Individualism Atheism Lapsed Patriotism
Environmentalism Vegetarianism Mongoloidism NPR Listenerism Averse-to-Deathism
MORAL FITNESS PRE-SCREENING:
Please indicate in which, if any, of the following acts you have been caught participating:
Cursing Lying Coveting Stealing Gambling
Meditating Protesting Abortion Suicide Rapping
Dirty Dancing Fornication Birth Control Mongrelization Woman-on-Top
Hot Man-on-Man Cornholing & Kielbasa Polishing Steamy Lezbo Beaver Hoovering & Clam Digging
WORK HISTORY:
Please indicate to which careerist stratum you belong:
Blue Collar Grey Collar White Collar Starched White Collar
Tuxedo Collar Mink Collar Studded Collar Christian Show Business
SPECIALTIES:
Please indicate your existing expertise in the following areas:
Winning Hearts Winning Minds Razing Mosques Strafing Crowds
Guiding JDAMS Sweeping Mines Patching Pipelines Absorbing Shrapnel
Advanced Naked Humiliation and Forced Homoerotic Fantasy Reenactments
COMBAT BRANCH PREFERENCE:
Please indicate with which Armed Forces logo you desire to be prominently tattooed:
Army Navy Air Force Marines Jihad Bait (Formerly "National Guard")
USO Halliburton Blackwater USA Great Lakes Coast Guard (Top Tax Brackets Only!)
OPINION PROFILE:
Provide your views on pressing issues to help determine whether or not you are fit to serve America:
1. My opinion of long-term, high-casualty war without definable objectives is...
2. My opinion of Vietnam-avoiding conservatives playing real-world RISK is...
3. My opinion of mid-career ideological flip-flops to liberal nation building theory is...
4. My opinion of boring facts that don't support launching bitchin' invasions is...
5. My opinion of fairies who say mass-scale killing should be a last resort is...
6. My opinion of being emotionally strip-mined, then reengineered into a patriotic zombie who'll
    run screaming into a blizzard of hot lead at the toot of a whistle is...
7. ...especially when it helps Sean Hannity sell books:
8. George W. Bush, the Commander in Chief, is absolutely and always 1000% correct.
9. Iraq was still stockpiling Weapons of Mass Destruction in 2003.
10. Iraq was in league with al Qaeda.
11. Iraq was involved in the 9/11 attacks on America.
12. Flying purple unicorns burp rainbows and poop perfumed marshmallow flowers!
POSTMORTEM PREFERENCE:
Select transportation and packaging options for mortal remains in the very likely event of your passing:
PACKAGE 1: Fed-Ex Overnight, flag-draped casket & formal military funeral (ALL CAMERAS PROHIBITED)
PACKAGE 2: UPS 3rd Day Air, pine box, personal-style Presidential form letter, spot on FOX
PACKAGE 3: Parcel Post Freight, Old Glory-emblazoned Hefty bag, sparkler, used Toby Keith CD
By clicking below, I certify that the information I have provided is correct and truthful, and that I indemnify and
      hold harmless the United States Armed Forces from my horrible disfigurement and/or untimely death.
   


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