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"Apply" now to secure a lucrative career both decrying and luxuriating in the spoils of Big Government! No experience necessary! Don't miss your chance to suckle greedily at America's soon-to-be-bankrupt bureaucracy teat!

    City: State: ZIP:
Current Employer:

Previous Employer:

Position Desired:

Relevant Skills: (Check All That Apply)
Cardio Weights Ab Sculpting Spinning
Golf Polo Yachting Safari
Attending Meetings Reading Memoranda
Delegating Work    Prostate-Tickling Sycophancy

Have You Ever Been Indicted For a Felony?
Yes (Only Once) Yes (More Than Once) Not Yet

Where Did You Hear About This Opportunity?

Compensation Desired:

GOP Campaign Contributions Per Annum:

References: (Check All That Apply)
George W. Bush George H.W. Bush Jesus

Interests: (Check All That Apply)
Freedom® Invasions Anti-Intellectualism
Flag Pins Obedience Patrio-Groupthink
Illegal Propagandizing The War on Faggotry

Affiliations: (Check All That Apply)
Yale Harvard Al-Anon
DEKE Skull & Bones Kappa Kappa Kappa
WTO Wholesale Exploitation & Subjugation Alliance

A Small Sampling of Our Satisfied Clientele:
NAME: Harriet Miers
POSITION: Associate Justice, US Supreme Court
SALARY: $202,900/year (pending)
TESTIMONIAL: "First CronyJobs set me up with a faboo White House staff job, then I almost got a life-long gig trying out that 'Judge' stuff. It would have been mega-cool to work with that sexpot Ruth Bader Ginsberg!"
NAME: Michael Brown
POSITION: Director: Federal Emergency Mgmt. Agency
SALARY: $145,600/year
TESTIMONIAL: "I just love my FEMA corner office with the mahogany furniture and the perky little secretary. And thanks to CronyJobs, my Florsheim penny loafers have slipped in their last pile of Arabiac horse dung!"
NAME: Lester Crawford
POSITION: Commissioner, Food & Drug Administration
SALARY: $165,000/year
TESTIMONIAL: "The problem with being a Christian Taliban veterinarian is you rarely get to flex your muscle on human vaginas. But thanks to CronyJobs, I banned contraception that might have spared millions of slutty little whores the punitive agony of childbirth!"
NAME: Cheryl Halpern
POSITION: Chair, Corporation for Public Broadcasting
SALARY: $157,500/year
TESTIMONIAL: "Having overseen major Federal propaganda projects like Radio Marti in Cuba and Radio Free Iraq, I'm proud CronyJobs picked me to make NPR 'fair and balanced.' Who says donating $319,250 to the GOP is a thankless task?!"
NAME: Mark McClellan
POSITION: Administrator, Medicare & Medicaid Svcs.
SALARY: $143,250/year
TESTIMONIAL: "First I was an Economic Advisor, then Commissioner of the FDA, and now I decide which oldsters and poor folks live and die. If I get bored again, I think I'll swap CronyJobs with my baby brother Scott!"
NAME: Julie Myers
POSITION: Director: Immigration & Customs
SALARY: $122,500/year (pending)
TESTIMONIAL: "OMIGOD, like, CronyJobs is SOOOO AWESOME! After I helped Ken Starr crucify that semen geyser Bill Clinton, I got hired in the Bush White House. And I made coffee so well there, now I get to manage the 20,000 agents who keep America's borders as impenetrable as the boss's daughters!"
NAME: Joe Allbaugh
POSITION: Director: Federal Emergency Mgmt. Agency
SALARY: $145,600/year
TESTIMONIAL: "Rather than getting hung up on silly red tape like 'experience', CronyJobs worked hard to fulfill my dream: getting carte blanche to destroy Jimmy Carter's FEMA – on an easy flex-schedule that didn't make me sacrifice any quality time with my hair!"
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