Deadeye Dick's Gun Club
Greetings! I want to extend a warm welcome to all my fellow pudgy, Vietnam-avoiding war-lovers!  Thanks for stopping by my gun club!  If you are a crony in good standing, you may be eligible to embark on a private hunting outing with me - Deadeye Dick.  You will accrue priceless memories of us pumping our manly rods of fire-breathing steel - assuming you survive!

  1. ALWAYS KEEP YOUR GUN LOADED: Guns are tools built for one purpose: killing. Not having it filled with ammo makes about as much sense as waiting until tee time to put clubs in your calfskin golf bag. When you pick up a gun, always confirm that it is loaded by blowing away something that annoys you. Also, safeties are for pussies. Hunting with Deadeye Dick is a total BLAST!
  2. ALWAYS KEEP YOUR GUN AIMED AT STUFF: This is Deadeye Dick's most important rule! Keeping your gun pointed at someplace you hope there might be something to kill means that you're way less likely to waste valuable bullets on shots that don't even draw blood.
  3. ALWAYS KEEP YOUR FINGER ON THE TRIGGER: Whether it's a bird in the bush or a geriatric trial lawyer stumbling in a senile haze, you never know when your target will make a break for it. That's why your sweaty finger should ALWAYS be caressing the sensitive curves of your unit's trigger. (Just watch out for occasional jolts from your bionic heart!)
  4. ALWAYS BRING DOCTORS SO YOU DON'T GET CHARGED WITH MURDER: Sure it's awesome to shoot stuff, but on the off-chance you "accidentally" hit a "friend" in the face after guzzling some hipflask whiskey, you don't want land in jail and get your enormous dimpled heiny drilled by white-collar criminal Yalies named Chad for three to five years. So make sure at least two or three top-notch cardiovascular surgeons are with you AT ALL TIMES!
Jan 1 - Feb 4: Grouse, Partridge Feb 1 - Mar 7: Quail, Trial Attorneys
Mar 1 - Mar 29: Possum, Stray Cat Aug 20 - Sep 20: New Orleans Looters
ALWAYS IN SEASON: Bald Eagle, Tree-Huggers, Cindy Sheehan(s)

Deadeye Dick at the National Rifle Association! Read his inspiring and awesome speech!

Do you think you have what it takes to posse up with Deadeye Dick? Apply now! Send your cover letter and resume, along with a a cashier's check for $150,000 payable to Conservative Affirmation Society of Houston ("CASH"), to:
Deadeye Dick's Gun Club
c/o Abramoff Poli-Ventures, LLC
PO Box 1
Houston, TX 77013
Join THIS fiscal quarter, and get a FREE Deadeye Dick kevlar face guard and body glove!
FOR KIDS: Sorry, but membership in Deadeye Dick's Gun Club is limited to ADULTS. Check out the NRA Kooky Kids Korner instead!
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Dick Cheney Lawyer Hunting Permit
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