1. ALWAYS KEEP YOUR GUN LOADED: Guns are tools built for one purpose: killing. Not having it filled with ammo makes about as much sense as waiting until tee time to put clubs in your calfskin golf bag. When you pick up a gun, always confirm that it is loaded by blowing away something that annoys you. Also, safeties are for pussies.
2. ALWAYS KEEP YOUR GUN AIMED AT STUFF: This is Deadeye Dick's most important rule! Keeping your gun pointed at someplace you hope there might be something to kill means that you're way less likely to waste valuable bullets on shots that don't even draw blood.
3. ALWAYS KEEP YOUR FINGER ON THE TRIGGER: Whether it's a bird in the bush or a geriatric trial lawyer stumbling in a senile haze, you never know when your target will make a break for it. That's why your sweaty finger should ALWAYS be caressing the sensitive curves of your unit's trigger. (Just watch out for occasional jolts from your bionic heart!)
4. ALWAYS BRING DOCTORS SO YOU DON'T GET CHARGED WITH MURDER: Sure it's awesome to shoot stuff, but on the off-chance you "accidentally" hit a "friend" in the face after guzzling some hipflask whiskey, you don't want land in jail and get your enormous dimpled heiny drilled by white-collar criminal Yalies named Chad for three to five years. So make sure at least two or three top-notch cardiovascular surgeons are with you AT ALL TIMES!

Deadeye Dick at the National Rifle Association! Read his inspiring and awesome speech!

Deadeye Dick's Gun Club
c/o Abramoff Poli-Ventures, LLC
PO Box 1
Houston, TX 77013

FOR KIDS: Sorry, but membership in Deadeye Dick's Gun Club is limited to ADULTS. Check out the NRA Kooky Kids Korner instead!