I, [MY NAME], hereby pledge:
1. To stay massively cool by not having sex. Because only major losers
have sex – which everyone knows is only for fags.
2. To never let any slutty girls peer pressure me into touching their
vaginas – because vaginas are totally gay.
3. To ignore my raging hormones and burning drive to fondle, suckle,
and thrust furiously into a hot gooey pit of creamy-soft fleshy ecstasy.
4. To keep my groinal giblets inside my GAP khakis, and to punch those
sweaty bits into submission whenever they percolate with desire.
5. To never spill my sacred "dude milk" – unless it is inside of
some hot babe who already married me and took my last name.
I understand that abstaining from sex protects me from:
The regret and guilt caused by the disgusting, squishy act of stupid sex,
which is basically like going to the toilet from the front side.
Making retard babies out of wedlock, then having to blow my whole allowance
on diapers and a stroller instead of XBox games and Snickers.
Catching a brain-rotting STD like "Finger Herpes" from "feeling up" any
nasty dirty girlie holes.